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[personal profile] drumrb0y
Not being a natural writer and certainly not a resident of the Blogosphere, I haven't posted anything here since, ironically, one year ago yesterday. While the significance of the day is not lost, a year passed has brought the realization of all the fear I mentioned exactly 366 nights ago - both for my nation and its Government.

But I'm not posting this to exposit on world politics.

This year, my pain is personal.

For all of the blessings of healthy children, spouse and self, as well as steady work that pays fairly well for the effort, I've found myself doubly blessed with new friends, friends made more special and friends that have gone through changes both positive and enriching.

That, is where the fun stops.

In the past 52 weeks, life could not have gone much better except for me to have won the lottery or otherwise gotten myself and family's finances into the black for good, erasing the last lingering traces of the lean years of 2001-3. But the last 12 weeks has wiped out my buzz.

It's not the, "Sorry, you have cancer" bad, not "Here's your summons, sir" bad, not "
Dad, I'm pregnant" bad...but more the kind of subtle, diffuse bad of lingering doubt as to whether or not you could of avoided 'bad' in the first place.

Scenario 1:
Like any good friend, I'm willing to criticize my pals for their sake; but haste resulted in their taking it the worst possible way, and then running with it out the door.

In the span of 30 minutes, a two-decade friendship ends.

All third parties who eventually learned of it (through necessity or the offended party's choice) agreed that the reaction was overblown, despite the poor choice of timing and the delivery.

It makes me feel no better.

Scenario 2:
A very special friend and the spouse have diametrically opposed personality types; being the good diplomat, I walk the thin line, but I can no longer balance the respective emotional pull from both sides.

As anyone would correctly guess, there never should be a choice that has to be made between a spouse and anyone else...

It makes me feel no better.

I feel like the way I treat others has fundamentally changed suddenly, without a hint of effort or motive. How can you know whom you've changed into if you see the same person in the mirror? I've been reassured by all neutral observers to these incidents that it's not MY problem.

It makes me feel no better.

I share the trait with my father (one of few that I'm openly proud to bear) as being one who dislikes drama and always strives to cut through red tape, bullshit, silent screaming and other behaviors that require me to walk on proverbial eggshells. I often do so to try and lead people away from these distractions...perhaps some need them enough to resent the piper.

Amid the sadness of the anniversary and hope for the future, for the world and myself, I find myself wishing that I will post again before another full year has passed.

All things considered...if the desperation of needing to get things out of my head is the reason I type again here in the Void, I hope this blog dies out with only two posts.
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