The Void in Plain Sight

I seem to have missed posting an update for the past three years, but considering the circumstances...

I mean, where do you start? Between budding fascism, an insurrection, and a pandemic, the past three years have been a slow-rolling zombie apocalypse - but in an act of cosmic irony, the last year has arguably been one of the best in my life, so let's just go with that.

Things I learned this year (and the two before):
1. I learned that, like every year since 2016, that the bad guys sometimes win, but the strategies for addressing it remain the same - deny them the violence they hope for, because that's the language they want. Instead, focus on turning the lone wolves on their home turf; if you know one, engage them - research shows that radicals get turned one at a time, with friendship, not confrontation. I'm trying to apply this more and more, with each passing year.
2. I learned that my tribe will struggle but it will adjust and persevere. The years 2019 - 2021 will be studied by history majors and academics for decades as an era when civilization began to fail; we do not yet know whether or not civilization will succeed, but they will know that we resisted and fought for it.
3. I wanted to cross-train into all of the other armored disciplines, and I did so; the only martial disciplines that I lack now are combat archery and equestrian - few fighters can match this level of cross training and I think that all of the ones who do are Knights. I intend to authorize in both, post-COVID.

People I met in 2019-2021:
1. After becoming a Peer in 2019, the SCA closed down due to the pandemic; I may have met a handful of new people since, but I spent more time cultivating my friendships and reconnecting with pre-SCA hobbies. I baked a lot of breads, cooked, and enjoyed video games again.
2. I did manage to make new friends outside of my state due to Peerage, but they are more chosen than accumulated by title or office.
3. After 30 years of trying and living more openly and freely Polyamorous in the past year, I finally met a partner that I can confidently say will be for life; my wife and she are friends, we're very much in love, and I'm grateful every day, not only for her presence in my life, but for the knowledge that she cares for me as much as I do for her going forward into the future.
4. My new coworkers in 2019 have grown on me and I've settled happily into a new work routine going into 2022; stability again at work is one of several great gains of the past 3 years.

Things I don't want to take with me into 2022:
1. I've chosen to leave heavy political partisanship behind me; it was necessary in 2016 and unavoidable in 2018... By 2020 I was feeling the emotional fatigue and I found that no change happens in the hearts of those I know through those methods. Working for a municipality has also given me insights to the inner workings of government and partisanship is an obstacle, not a path forward. I will simply persuade who I can and avoid those I cannot.
2. With gratitude, I am leaving poverty behind in 2022; thanks in part to the pandemic support checks from the government and partly due to isolation at home, I paid off most of our long-term debt and we have officially joined the middle class. Our only remaining debt is our new mortage (refinanced at better terms), my car loan (also refinanced), and our college loans (currently deferred by the Fed. Govt.).
3. I choose to leave behind acquaintances in my hobby and life who are toxic. I will no longer engage on their terms, I will simply leave them behind to their own, self-determined fate.

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2022:
1. As always, my continually strong relationships with my spouse, my family (both blood and chosen) and all of friends and allies in my tribe.
2. My ability to compete with the top echelon of Medieval fencers in the Southeastern US; I'm in my mid-50s now and maintaining my ability to be considered an elite fencer will be increasingly more challenging with each passing year, from here on.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2022:
1. I said back in 2018 that there were clouds...they now have come, the storms followed...and we're still fighting today, with songs in our hearts and the spirit shared with of my friends that we will emerge on the other side a better community and a better nation.
2. For all of the troubles and trials that these past years have been for so many, 2021 was actually one of the best years in my life, for security, for finances, and for love; I'm excited to see what this year has in store for growing all three!

Things that were life changing from 2019 to 2021:
1. Being a grandparent to Sophia, Elise and Amelia, as they grow into awesome little girls in their own way!
2. You think that by a certain age, that you're never falling in love again, much less more than once; I've discovered that I am not only still lovable, but still youthful - my good fortune is something I will be grateful for to my last day.
3. Discovering the sad truth that in general, people are far less good than you thought without some kind of benefit to themselves.

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2022:
1. With all I've enjoyed in the past 3 years, I hope to maintain the facets of my life as they are or better, because I'm still *extremely* blessed to have very little to complain about after all these years.

Your biggest accomplishments in 2019-2021:
1. Eliminating life-long debt and restructuring remaining debt on better terms that will set me up for retirement on an almost normal schedule, compared to what I was expecting 5 years ago. If you're read all of the previous journal entries, you'll know that this is a *big deal*.
2. Both Denise and I have found enriching secondary relationships and have formed a stable, happy polycule for the first time since 1991!

Your biggest failure in 2019-2021:
1. Given everything in these years, one can overlook certain failings for the sake of survival and mental health; gratefully, I've been fortunate to have weathered the pandemic and the events of these years rather well by comparison...and I hope to build on this going forward.

What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2022:
I've been fortunate to always list the same thing, every year, for lack of other trials in my life; roaches and I are linked for life and this one line may never change, ever.


What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
I'd like to learn to maintain my commitments to goals that I set for myself; this is one definite thing that I need to improve on.

Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2022:
To return to good exercise habits and get back to my peak levels of fitness, after taking much of the pandemic off.

Unlike many years, I look forward to 2022 with a lighter load on my conscious, a full heart, and excitement for the future!

First post on the new hosting site!

With the move from Livejournal to Dreamwidth, it prompted me to update...I was late to post for last year anyways, so...

Things I learned this year
1. I learned that sometimes, the bad guys win, the world isn't as nice as you thought, the ghosts of the past didn't die (they just hid long enough to be forgotten about), and that people you treat as friends are sometimes nowhere near that status.
2. I also learned that your friends will moderate their belief systems (or at least not bring them up) to stay your friends.

People I met
1. The SCA continues to give me new friends every year; being a Territorial Baron since 2013 has allowed me to make new friends all over the southeastern US and throughout the country - but all of that ends on 4/28/17!
2. I met more new friends outside of my state and continue to widen my range of connections.

Things I don't want to take with me into 2017
1. Still...frustration and impatience over incomplete projects, relationships or goals.
2. A lingering apathy toward people in general; I notice that I'm growing curmudgeonly and I don't need that.

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2017
1. My continually strong relationships with my spouse, my family (both blood and chosen) and hundreds of friends and acquaintances.
2. My currently stable but threatened economic stability...thanks to the incoming Administration.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2017
1. Right now there's a lot of clouds forming for everyone, so let's just get through the year.
2. Finishing my last full year as a Landed Baron and celebrating the freedom afterwards.

Things that were life changing in 2016
1. Enjoying the adventure with Denise of being the Baron & Baroness of Oldenfeld and being comfortable as the senior Landed Nobility for a while.
2. Becoming a grandparent again to Elise Flesher, Sophia's little sister and daughter of Logan and Jasmine!
3. Becoming acquainted with many of the elite rapier fighters in the neighboring Kingdoms outside of Trimaris

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2017
1. As always, to reduce my total debt from where it was last year; yes, it's always a good goal to have, even if we're not actually getting to it!
2. Maintaining all other facets of my life as they are or better, because I am still *very* blessed to have very little to complain about - still!

Your biggest accomplishment in 2016?
I had an exceptional day as a fighter at Castle Wars in Meridies; I spent the day being consistently second to an Atlantian MoD, which is not a bad thing!

Your biggest failure in 2016?
1. I feel that my overall level of debt keeps changing shape, but it's really not getting any smaller.

What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2016?
Since roaches are always at the top of this category, I don't ever see myself getting OK with them...ever.

Are you going to make any major changes to your blog for 2017?
Not likely...

What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
I'd like to cross-train into all of the other armored disciplines; it's been over a decade and I need to get it officially done, finally.

If you could do ONE thing this year and NOT get chastised by, or for it, what would you do?
This question is silly; I'm going to drop it for future years.

Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2017.
To get back into the good exercise habits that I started last year and get back to my peak weight and better fitness!

As I predicted a couple years ago, it's been two years since my last entry - my, how time flies...

I'll recap 2014 and 2015 together, since they contain mostly similar events and themes.

Things I learned this year
1. I learned that youth is not lost because you get older; it is lost because you let it go...you let it go because of many possible reasons (medical, mental, physical, outside influence or people, or just becoming jaded), but the loss is your fault, no one else's.
2. I learned that your friends harbor a wide variety of ideals, opinions, and beliefs...and that your friends will still be your friends despite what they are and regardless of if theirs match yours.

People I met
1. The SCA continues to give me new friends with each passing year; being a Territorial Baron since 2013 has allowed me to make new friends all over the southeastern US and throughout the country.
2. I met a person I thought that I would never meet...a unicorn among mere humans.

Things I don't want to take with me into 2016
1. Frustration and impatience over incomplete projects, relationships or goals.
2. Anything resembling a 'diva' attitude or the change of outlook that happens at the top of a social group.

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2016
1. My continually strong relationships with my spouse, my children, my in-laws, and hundreds of friends.
2. Still growing economic stability...

Things I'm looking forward to in 2016
1. Building a stable, long-term relationship into a permanent one and keeping it that way.
2. Completing a fulfilling journey and finishing my last full year as a Landed Baron.

Things that were life changing in 2014-15
1. Growing into a companion of the Order of The White Scarf and working among the more active members of the Order and the rapier community.
2. Enjoying the adventure with Denise of being the Baron & Baroness of Oldenfeld.
3. Becoming a grandparent to Sophia, daughter of Logan and Jasmine Flesher!

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2016
1. To reduce my total debt by 25% or more from where it was last year; yes, it's always a good goal to have, even if we're not actually getting to it...
2. Maintaining all other facets of my life as they are or better, because I am still blessed to have very little to complain about - still!

Your biggest accomplishment in 2014-15?
Fighting in my second and third Gulf Wars Champion's Tournament as a Don; I won my second and lost my third, leaving me at 1-2 overall.

Your biggest failure in 2014-15?
1. I feel that Mathew has gotten less material/financial support than his sisters did leaving high school; however, being as smart, wise, and industrious as he is, he's built himself a better start nonetheless, out of sheer will.
2. I've failed to build any significant momentum of the diet/exercise regimen that I've been following; while I'm not gaining any weight past my all-time high, I keep getting back the 5-10 lbs. that I manage to lose at a time.

What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2016?
Since roaches are always at the top, I don't ever see myself getting OK with them.

Are you going to make any major changes to your blog for 2016?
Not likely. My next post will probably be for new year 2017.

What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
I'd like to learn combat archery, if I can afford it.

If you could do ONE thing this year and NOT get chastised by, or for it, what would you do?
As I've mentioned before, it's not about being chastised...it's about managing the fallout.

Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2016.
To regain the good exercise habits that I started last year and get back to my peak weight and better fitness.

Having updated the past few years with vague recollections, I can now focus on more recent, bigger things, in greater detail. I'll try to do well, since I may not post again in several years - if at all...

Things I learned this year
1. I learned that reaching a certain level of respect, visibility and/or importance in a community will gain you opponents and/or enemies even if you've done nothing different or new to precipitate it.
2. I learned that aging happens in your attitudes and outlook, not just your body; you have opinions, preferences and habits that you wouldn't expect to have when you were younger.

People I met
1. The SCA continues to give me access to dozens, if not hundreds, of new friends every year; this year was no different - stepping up as a Territorial Baron only accelerated the number of people that I meet!

Things I don't want to take with me into 2014
1. Incomplete and misguided notions of hypothetical relationships and possibilities.
2. Frustration and impatience over incomplete projects, relationships or goals

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2014
1. My still continually strong relationships with my spouse, my children, my in-laws, and all of my literally hundreds of friends.
2. Still growing economic stability...

Things I'm looking forward to in 2014
1. Continued professional growth.
2. Hopefully building a relationship or two into solid long term ones.

Things that were life changing in 2013
1. Being added to the Order of The White Scarf in recognition of my reaching the top of my art in rapier combat.
2. Being invested along with my wife as Baron & Baroness of Oldenfeld.
3. Leaving my employment with the State of FL and returning to the private sector as an experienced Network Admin.
4. Taking on the task of being the Kingdom Deputy Earl Marshal for Siege.

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2014
1. To reduce my total debt by 50% or more from where it was last year; yes, it's always a good goal to have!
2. Maintaining all other facets of my life as they are or better, because I am still blessed to have very little to complain about - still!

Your biggest accomplishment in 2013?
Fighting in my first Gulf Wars Champion's Tournament - as a Don, even; next goal - to win.

Your biggest failure in 2013?
1. I feel badly that Jasmine's post-high school transition to adulthood was as rocky as it was; I'm glad that it all worked out, though.
2. I completely fell off of the diet/exercise regimen that I started up with in 2013; the results are obvious.

What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2010?
Fear of roaches. Still. I can always hold on to hope.

Are you going to make any major changes to your blog for 2014?
Unlikely. My next post will likely be be for new year 2015.

What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
I'd like to learn combat archery, if I can afford it.

If you could do ONE thing this year and NOT get chastised by, or for it, what would you do?
As I've mentioned before, it's not about being chastised. It's about everything afterwards.

Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2014.
To regain the good exercise habits that I started last year and get back to my peak weight and better fitness.

Has it been *more than a year* since I last posted? How time flies... I'm actually several months late on my observations over the last year, so here goes.

As I mentioned over a year ago, I'm an impulsively intermittent blogger and if the mood doesn't strike, I've been known to go this long without a post.


Things I learned this year
1. I learned how to reverse-engineer a Roman Cheiroballista (a rock-throwing crossbow about 10 feet long) and have built a clone of one that I have on loan.
2. Despite what years of esteem damage have ingrained into my brain, I actually may *not* be too old, ugly or shy to be attractive to the opposite sex; this is a very cool concept that gives me a lot of confidence in social situations.

People I met
1. I've made several very special friends, with whom the relationship grew faster than I've seen before - not that this was bad, it was just different and a surprisingly refreshing change of tone in the way I've interacted with people in the past. But with the "jump with both feet" attitude when meeting people, I've also been burned a couple times... I've found that this is a fair trade.

Things I don't want to take with me into 2010
1. Any lingering drama that might relate to anything from 2009; I try to not have any loose ends and I'm not about to start
2. Frustration over incomplete projects, relationships or goals

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2010
1. My continually strong relationships with my spouse, my children and my friends.
2. Still growing economic stability.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2010
1. A continuation of the gradual crawl back into the Middle Class that began more than six years ago; slowly getting there!.
2. Building a new relationship or two into solid long term ones.

Things that were life changing in 2009
1. Meeting someone new and experiencing a lightning bolt that was our relationship, for all of a week.
2. Sending my oldest child out of the nest and watching her fly on her own for the first time...

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2010
1. To reduce my total debt by 50% from where it was last year; yes, it's still a goal.
2. Maintaining all other facets of my life as they are or better, because I am still blessed to have very little to complain about - still!

Your biggest accomplishment in 2009?
Receiving a Kingdom-level award for fighting, of all things...and then getting a Barony level one as well!

Your biggest failure in 2009?
I can no longer claim to have a perfect record in having never dumped a woman in my life; I feel so average now :-/

What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2010?
Fear of roaches. Still.

Are you going to make any major changes to your blog for 2010?
Considering how little I post at all, it will be to post more...still.

What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
How to make parchment, still (I was distracted by the siege engine project); I'd like to learn how to fight heavy and not lose 50% of the time (but I'm getting better!).

If you could do ONE thing this year and NOT get chastised by, or for it, what would you do?
I might not get chastised for it, but since the reaction might be worse, I'll just drop it.

If you could really, and actually, meet one blogger in 2007, who would you want to meet?
All the bloggers I know and still follow, I know in person, so there's no need.

Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2010.
To keep flossing - perhaps to be more consistent at it.

I've got one of those feelings...like something bad is about to happen.

I'm restless, yet at the same time I'm not motivated to take up an activity for the evening.

I'm grateful for the presence of my family, that slumbers in the surrounding rooms; if I were single, I'd be out on the streets, looking for some kind of trouble to get into.

Denise and the kids ahev truly saved my life; I have no doubt in my mind that if I had spent my life alone, I would be in prison by now and I would have nothing to show for myself.

I should go to bed and start a new day tomorrow; maybe I'm just tired and cranky.

...as lifted from 'thisgirliknow'

Meme 1

The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2007
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2007
Things you're looking forward to in 2007
Things that were life changing in 2006
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007

Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers

Things I learned this year
1. The perception that others have of you is not always parallel to the one you have of yourself.
2. As you get older, politics is inevitable, even within in a small group of people - three would be the minimum.

People I met
1. Several exemplary SCAdians outside of Tallahassee and several more out-of-state.
2. A couple of new online friends

Things I don't want to take with me into 2007
1. My feelings of restlessness that I'm interpreting as mid-life crisis (for lack of a better diagnosis)
2. My growing loss of patience with other people's behaviors

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2007
1. My willingness to volunteer into new things for the sake of personal growth
2. My family and friends

Things I'm looking forward to in 2007
1. A continuation of the gradual crawl back into the Middle Class that began more than three years ago.
2. The discovery of a new relationship and the sense of magic that it brings

Things that were life changing in 2006
1. The loss of an old friend
2. The end of a relationship that I thought would be lifelong

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1. To reduce my total debt by 50%
2. Maintaining all other factets of my life as they are or better, because I am blessed to have little to complain about



Meme 2

1. Your biggest accomplishment in 2006?
earning my Cisco CCSP certification, which greatly enhances my career marketability

2. Your biggest failure in 2006?
Losing a longtime friend to a trivial issue that was built up into some kind of horrifying personal betrayal

3. What is one fear you’d like to overcome in 2007?
Fear of roaches.

4. What is one resolution you’d REALLY like to keep?
I don't make any. They limit your goal-making and are rarely kept for long, anyways.

5. Are you going to make any major changes to your blog for 2007?
I'm not a blogger by habit, so if I make any changes at all, it will be to blog more.

6. Any blogging resolutions?
See above.

7. What is one new thing you’d like to learn this coming Year?
How to sew clothing from a pattern; how to make parchment from rawhides.

8. If you could do ONE thing this New Year and NOT get chastised by, or for it, what would you do?
I would really press my ex for a full explanation - if anything, it would satisfy my curiosity and provide closure.

9. If you could really, and actually, meet one blogger in 2007, who would you want to meet?
I would want to meet thisgirliknow, because everyone else I know in LJ I also know in person.

10. Name a GOOD habit you’d like to start in 2007.
Flossing.

If you get more than 30 you're paranoid.
If you get 21 to 29 you're normal.
If you get 11 to 20 you are pretty normal.
If you get 10 or less you're fearless.

Everyone fears something... it's probably on this list.

I Fear...
[ ] mirrors
[ ] gay people
[ ] the dark
[ ] being single forever
[ ] being a parent
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] black cats
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] ants
[ ] driving
[ ] flying
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[x] dark water
[ ] the ocean
[ ] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boy/girlfriends/(ex)boy/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boy/girlfriends/(ex)boy/girlfriends mom
[ ] mice/rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] cotton balls
[ ] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[ ] large crowds
[ ] crossing bridges
[ ] death
[ ] Heaven
[ ] being robbed
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] diseases
[ ] snakes
[ ] sharks
[ ] shots
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] poverty
[ ] ghosts
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains or railroads
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[x] being blind
[x] being deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] getting old
[ ] monsters under my bed
[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] blood/blood being drawn
[x] someone you love or care about getting hurt
[x] someone you love or care about hurting you
[ ] love
[ ] Spiders

As compulsive as I am about understanding the universe and life in general, I found this result intriguing, because it led me to an epiphany...

I sometimes wonder if there are people who consider me a bad person (which is something everyone probably does from time to time, I guess)...and if there were, how would they explain their dislike to a neutral observer?

Until this year, I would be hard pressed to think of anyone in the world willing to give such an interview - is this ignorance, pride - or am I just failing to be Evil? (*not that it's a career goal or anything...)

Which begs the question of what would be said, of course, in this hypothetical biography...

I want people to grab me by the collar and tell me, "I don't like you, because ______________ (fill in blank)"; I often ponder two things about this:

- Will people be honest, mis-informed in their premise (thus tainting the conclusion), or just malicious in the answer?
- Would someone be willing or able to strip away all psychological layers and be so open in their thoughts - to anyone at all, much less me?

Everyone wants the world to turn out right for everyone, but the overlapping clouds of grey-area that are our lives and personalities will never fit cleanly together - it would be like trying to make a 3-D jigsaw puzzle of the Earth, out of billions of individual cotton balls, and expecting them to satisfyingly click together.

I'm going to be 40 soon.
No one has grabbed me by the collar and told me anything bad about me yet.

I guess I'm doing OK.